Ok so i was reading my buddies blog and got some good insights on how this actually should've started... lets see it starts out in a little town called Boulder city we called it, " Leave it to beaver town " but it was home i was pretty much raised by my grandparents because my mom was more worried about working or goin out with her friends which is what i was told i don't know all the details nor do i care because it got me where i am today and made me the man i am today...so mom i love you... but most of my infant years was spent living at my grandmothers strict house with my uncle Justin. I guess you could say i did have it easier cuz i was younger so i wasn't come down on as hard as Justin but it still was strict. Growing up my real father left us when i was 2 and i keep getting 2 sides to the story that he left because he couldn't handle me i guess raising me and then i get he couldn't handle my mom, as crazy as she is, which i kinda believe the latter but thats neither here nor there. So as a kid my mom became my mom and my dad which was hard in itself to grasp because i really didn't have that father figure in my life but i knew my mom did everything in her power to give me a great life, i mean she is a rock and i could always lean on her for whatever reason. I mean sometimes i hated her being the father figure like when i was playing sports she would scream and yell at the umpires since i played baseball for 11 years it was very embarrassing at moments especially because she's loud as hell as am i so she was always louder than everybo
dy else which so am i(no wonder our opinions are always heard because they're louder). I love my mom but in the same since we butted heads because i was battling 2 people in one body. As time went on i started to look at my life and wasn't really satisfied, didn't really know what i should do with my life. Throughout my junior high and high school i was always a "little guy" which hasn't really change but i mean i was small got picked on alot and had a bad complex but i learned how to use it to my advantage. Going through life not knowing my father having 2 parents in one body and being controlled by her. She was a big control freak and not a quiet one at that as soon as i would start swaying the arguement in my direction she would tell me to shut the f*** up or go to your room. It was not the greatest way to get the family morals i have to today and it gave me alot of anxiety and anger issues. I mean i was picked poked and prodded until i snapped and then when i did she would snap back which is where i get my fiery streak and my bad anger and temper issues(this is why you'll find out later why i'm on my medication i'm on). So you could say i never let anybody get real close to me because the one moment i thought they were gonna give me helpful crticism or if they started to i would snap and try to control them pushing them away and not really gaining any true friends to my life. The only true friend i never tried to really push away but did have arguements with was Mikey(my boy for life). I guess that's why i never even tried to acquire friends or why i would lie about my life and where i've traveled to to make myself look interesting and like i knew all about the different states and cultures around the u.s. Now i have traveled but because of my mom chasing a boyfriend(oklahoma), or staying with my grandpa for the summer(seattle), or goin to babysit my moms best friends daughter(georgia), or staying briefly off and on for a few years with friends(new york). So i have stayed in those states but never set up residency like i would tell these people so that they would be my 
friend. I guess i started to build my own alternate ego and lost who i was in the long run...Until i started to start a family i looked inside myself and said its time for a new beginning and time to start anew with finding myself and not lying to myself as well as others that were willing to let me in to the lives and hearts which i started to see that what i had been doing in the past was alienating the people that i had held dear to me but because of my alternate ego it was pushing everyone away which i never had realized. So as time rolls on i started a family my wife and i had a beautiful daughter born August 8th, 2004 born 8lbs. 11 oz. with a big ass nugget pumpkin head lol(i love her big nugget though), she was born healthy and as she came into this world i felt myself completely put that alter ego away for good i got in touch with myself for once in my life i forgave my mom for the control she had over me, i also just recently forgave my biological father for leaving and thanking my mom for getting in touch with him and bringing us back together although Brince will always be my dad i love him so much he has been a huge influence in the way i look at life and take the misfortune that has brought upon me. He is my HERO for sure and everyday i thank God for the relationship that we have now because back when he was with my mom we did not have the greatest relationship and didn't do alot of things together, he still practiced baseball with me took me to the rec to play basketball so we did do some stuff just never had the loving relationship that we do now. I thank God once again everyday for that. So as each day i woke up and focused on my family life and making sure we were financially stable i think i neglected some things that i didn't necessarily see were happening in the passion and attention area of my marriage. I mean don't get me wrong there definitely wasn't anything wrong but i guess there were some things i didn't do and some things chris didn't say, and that just leads to disaster. I did everything in my power to provide for my family and give them the best life that i could, also with that comes with what i call "marriage blinders" where you start to lose yourself and who you are and you forget about certain aspects that a great marriage should have. So as i walk down the path of figuring myself out in that same time my wife got attention from somebody else not knowing what was going on one day she tells me because she had been caught by this guys wife, that's right this guy was married as well, and the wife was going to call me or find me to tell me what was going on. My wife felt it was in her best interest to tell me before his wife did. Now i looked at this as ok you told me because you got caught but thank God i didn't find out from his wife because i would've been pissed. I tell my wife lets work on it i can forgive it i can't forget it don't make me remember it. Not 3 months later i awoke from a sound sleep, it was around midnight, to my wife not in bed, my daughter asleep, all the lights in the house on but no wife? I called her phone to find out she was outside talking to a guy who i had no idea who he was. At the time she didn't think it was inappropriate but i of course did, so do almost everyone i talk to, and i told her once again i can forgive it i can't forget it don't make me remember it. Now by this time the trust issue was being demolished day by day. Do i want the mother of my daughter to stay around? YES of course but at what cost? my happiness? my life? ME?!?! Nope i wasn't gonna take it anymore but then i sat back and said you know what i don't wanna be the one to jump the gun on this so i sat back and said one more try. It didn't last long before she came to me, 3 weeks after, to tell me that she was lea
ving. My world was crushed my chest caved in, i had no idea what to do. I did what any husband that thinks he was being cheated on did i sat in front of the mirror every morning just to make sure i'm "IN TUNE" with my star motherf***in player, everyday. So now it comes down to today and how i feel right now which is amazing. I'm starting to find myself again and remember why i knew i was alot of fun to hang around. Taking a trip in 8 days to st. louis to relax and then come april it'll be the cali. trips to the beach for a day or 2. I need to find me because in the grand scheme of things i lost that person and i want him back definitely.Mikey don't be jealous but i have another follower you know i still love you the most!?!?!?!
Burt i defintely see a great friendship between us happening now than i would've imagined i thank you bro and i'm here for you too with whatever you need you let me know!
Sheila i have to shout out to you because talking last night you saw me for the person i am and that i'm not heartbroken but more angry and that's a big difference in helping cope with the circumstances and the situation your a great friend and i'm glad we never lost that and i hope iot only gets better from here... :D
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